For the first time in my life I hope to be honest. Not pseudo honest but real honest. I want you to be able to see me for me and not for the masks that I wear. For the first time I truly want to trust. Not just the ‘I trust you with my Facebook password trust” but the trust where I confide my deepest darkest moments with you. Where I confide in you the fears that I have about my life, about us, about what type of man I hope to be.
Throughout my past relationships I’ve been able to ‘fake vulnerability’. I don’t think I ever truly opened up to any of my exes. See I learned how to fake vulnerability. I learned how to feed them the crumbs that they needed so they could convince themselves that they knew something about me and this something that they knew meant that they shared an intimate bond with me. I’m not proud too proud of my past and the guilt I carry for hurting people I really cared about makes me wary.
Some people have asked me if I’ve ever been in love and I’ve always answered yes with no hesitation. But I’m not so sure anymore. See I think for a long time I thought all love meant was to get that butterfly feeling one got from watching movies like The Notebook or Titanic. I came to realize that true love meant living for somebody greater than yourself. Being truly selfless and putting the other person’s needs over your own. True love means doing the dishes after dinner not because she expects you to but because you want to. Going out of your way to please the person and put that smile on their face. I want to be truly selfless with you. See I’ve always been good at going through the motions. Always been good at doing what was required of me in a relationship. Doing the basics. I’m that person that sends the good morning texts, I’m that person that won’t forget our anniversary. I’m that person who remembers everybody in your family and is always ready to make them laugh and feel comfortable. I’m that guy that knows the price of everything but the value of nothing. I don’t want to go through the motions with you. I want to finally have something real. I want to put all my cards on the table and have you see me for what I really am. I don’t want to wear any masks when I’m with you. Even if I wear masks for the world, I don’t want to bring those masks home to you.
I hope that with you that I am truly free. Free of the masks, free of the façades. I want to be truly vulnerable, actually let somebody in for real this time.
I won’t go looking for you or planning to meet you because I’ve learned is that love will find you when you least expect with the person you least expect it with. I hope that when I’m with you, I am able to offer the dedication, loyalty and consistency that it takes to maintain a relationship.